The Bleu Note

Fun stuff

2010-12-07T17:29:00.000-08:00

If you're a musician, particularly a musician who plays classical music--and there, especially a classical percussionist--you'll love this. Well even if you're not, it should bring a smile:

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7892849/

Well that's all the music news I have for right now. Dammit, sometimes music just has to take a back seat to the basic business of earning a living- that is, if you earn your living other than making or teaching music. But it's always there, just under the surface.

Hope you enjoy the link.

showbiz no biz

2010-11-28T21:43:00.000-08:00

This is my calendar for December. Note the lack of markings on it. Very unusual to not have anything listed on there as far as gigs, but it's turned out that you could shoot a cannon through my December of this year.

Actually that's just fine with me. Last December was just the opposite, with five gigs plus a couple of rehearsals. With the daygig, that's a lot. Or at least that's a lot to an aging curmudgeon like myself. A busy month, after which I seemed to have a Winter vacation from gigs, not to do another one until April.

So we'll see what the tide brings in for this season. One's calendar can change dramatically, from famine to feast--and unfortunately, I've seen it go from feast to famine as well, with a whole month's bookings all cancelling at once. Thusfar, though, you could shoot a cannon through my schedule and the only thing you'd hit would be a warning to myself, posted as a gig announcement, not to play downtown next year during the car show.

We'll see...

R.I.P. Bianca Butthole

2010-11-26T17:59:00.000-08:00

Punk. It's not my favorite style of music as far as the sounds(though I've heard some in there that I didn't mind), but I do like the sense of humor behind it. So I do at least enjoy the bandnames, band member aliases, and song titles.

Somehow, as I'm frequently wont to do on the computer, I stumbled onto a band from the 90's, an LA-based girl punk band called "Betty Blowtorch". Pictured here is their bass player/vocalist Bianca Butthole. Other members are Blare N Bitch on lead guitar, rhythm guitarist Sharon Needles and drummer Judy Molish. All of them except for Bianca Butthole were former members of another LA-based group called Butt Trumpet. This group was known for their crass song lyrics, and featured another local musician who called himself Dan Druff.

Let's see.. There was another related group called L7(yes, 50's hipster slang for "square, daddy-o"), who had a couple recordings out, the third of which was called "Waiting for Stink". You can hear an assortment of Betty Blowtorch things online, one of my favorites being the colorful "Shut up and Fuck".

So that's all I know about Betty Blowtorch. Their frontlady Bianca Butthole(actually Halstead)was killed in a car crash back in the 90's, and the band came to an end from there. The others still play, and are in another band, whose name escapes me. I had a friend ask if Blare N Bitch was copyrighted, and I said probably. Love the sense of humor. And the tunes aren't too bad either.

Keep the Customer Happy

2010-07-26T14:12:00.000-07:00

They're usually fairly ordinary themselves as musicians, not one of the better players, but they often get the better players to at least give their band an occasional shot- if only by virtue of the fact that they have more gigs to go around. After all, they are, more often than not, one of the busier players. Always seem to be working someplace- even if you have to drive 100 miles to get there.

One such bandleader boasts a 35-year career when he talks to the people on his gigs. Maybe there's no Carnegie Hall performance in there, but still, in terms of pure longevity, something to be said here. Still in there pitching, and still getting hired. Their basic philosophy: give the people what they want. Keep the customer happy.

As a musician, this has never been my basic philosophy. I like to share, to entertain folks, but more out of sharing what makes me happy than giving them what makes them happy.

Man, I sound like a real asshole, don't I? Sometimes when you explain your approach to a situation it illuminates what feels like a basic selfishness. But then, sharing what makes me happy is a more benevolent act, much kinder than sharing something I really think stinks but am pretending to like for your sake as the listener. And more honest. So I'm at least an asshole with a heart. Someplace.

Case in point: my setlist. I try and play for the people there, but there are things I stay away from unless asked to do so. Old warhorses like Satin Doll and The Girl from Ipanema, simply because they're old warhorses. And other tunes for different reasons: Take Five(cliche, not really much fun to play), Yackety Sax(insipid), New York New York(ditto).

I do get hired, for various functions, with the group and setlist I maintain. But I'm sure I'd get hired more often if we played some or all of those tunes I just mentioned. Why? Because that stuff is what the people want to hear!

It will probably never be my personal philosophy, but I gotta hand it to these guys. They keep going, for decade after decade, maybe not playing Carnegie Hall but always working- even if you have to drive 100 miles to get there. Still in there pitching, and getting paid for it. This may never be my approach as a bandleader, but as a sideman, so long as everyone's there to make the best music possible(however the material may challenge that effort), I'm cool with it.

This is all on the heels of a recent gig with such a band. Many different players to come and go, but always a semi-working unit, for at least 40 years. The job was 108 miles out of town, a long drive in clear weather but made damn near interminable having to drive through 3 severe rainstorms to get there. A moderate crowd showed up, undaunted by the rain, so we played the full 3 hours. It was a lot of material I probably wouldn't call on a gig(like Margaritaville), but it was stuff the crowd liked, and kept 'em dancing the whole time.

Huh. Maybe I'll dust of The Girl from Ipanema.

Well, probably not. But I still respect those guys for hanging in there.

Song Lyrics- Who gives a shit?

2010-04-28T17:53:00.001-07:00

99.9% of the population, that's who.Particularly if they don't play, and have never played a musical instrument. When they listen to music(for the sake of argument, a group with a vocalist), the lead singer is who they focus on, and what comes out of his or her mouth is what they focus on in the music. Most folks think that the lyrics are the most important element of a song, the real "message". Delivered by the most important individual in the band- the lead singer.

One musician friend has encouraged me to put lyrics to my songs so they'll be remembered. People(well, at least 99 percent of them)tend to remember words rather than melodies, so that gives them something to hang onto. Seems tragic to me that a beautiful melody is all but lost on them. So very sad.

Me, I perceive music in just the opposite way. Not saying my perceptions are in any way "better"- if anything, I guess I have the opposite kind of impairment. I hear the "tune" first, the melody and harmony and rhythmic component. If there are vocals, I listen to the sound of their voice rather than lyric "content". Lyrics are usually all but lost on me, unless they're by Frank Zappa:

You're phony on top,
You're phony underneath
You lie in bed and grit your teeth.

TV Dinners by the pool,
I'm so glad I finished school.

Life's a ball, TV tonight,
Do you love it, do you hate it,
There it is the way you made it.

Great stuff. For some reason, Zappa's lyrics stick in my mind where others just slide right off. His music is pretty memorable too.

Music is the most abstract of the arts, and that's the very thing I love about it. However it makes you feel is its message to you. I like my music just like I like my Quarter Pounder from McDonald's: nice and plain. Unfettered by all those extraneous condiments. Just the pure burger. The pure listening experience. I don't usually like Program Music that's telling you a story you're supposed to follow(gee, what's the puppet doing now?), and loathe most Operas. And I don't generally care for musical comedy or musical theater --again, unless it's by Zappa(Gregory Peccary is one of my favorites!).

To me, there's plenty of beauty, all the beauty I need, in a graceful melody or an infectious rhythmic pattern or a driving bass line. Among other things instrumental. I even like listening to certain voices, their timbre and expressive nuances. But again, it's the sound, not what's being said.

I remember in the mid-80's, being on the road, and hearing our drummer talk about a certain song we were playing. "This song is about the war in Vietnam", he said. Again, I have a sort of aural color-blindness as far as that goes, and had never paid any attention to the lyrics. "What difference does that make to us?" I asked. "It tells us how to interpret the song", was his reply.

As the guitarist in the band, what possible difference does that make in how I play the chords, or how I solo over the chord progression? Am I supposed to be thinking about the Vietnam war while I'm playing? And is that supposed to somehow seep into my approach to the music- which is, again, abstract? Really folks, I'm stumped on that one.

I probably had an expression on my face at that point which read, "what color is the sky in your world?"

Reading this, you're probably thinking, 'what color is the sky in my world' as well. Why blue of course. At least my interpretation of blue.

Lyrics and librettos are just fine in their own right. And so are some vocalists(okay, I probably have a musician's professional prejudice against singers as a group, but do like them individually). It just seems tragic to me that most people miss the great beauty and trenchant expression that's already there in the music without the almighty lyrics. And the almighty vocalists. Try a Quarter Pounder without all that stuff on it and you'll discover it's just fine as is.

Well maybe with a bit of cheese.

The Big Box of Love

2010-04-02T17:49:00.000-07:00

It gives me great pleasure to announce the birth of a new CD. The Big Box of Love is now available. You can go here to listen, and maybe even pick yourself up a copy. Several options are available: you can purchase individual tracks, or download all of them as an mp3, or(recommended)buy yourself a hard-copy CD.

Why recommended? Well, two reasons. One, I'm just old-school like that. Two, you can enjoy the cover art, an option not available for you downloaders or pizza-by-the-slice individual track buyers.

Okay then. Here's the address: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/SamCrain

Friday is always a good thing, being the end of the workweek and the beginning of the weekend. But even more so having a new CD to share with the world--or, okay, my little corner of it.

More of the same

2010-01-08T20:33:00.000-08:00

Sometimes one blog picks up where the other one left off. I mentioned Palestrina in the last one. He's widely studied in music schools throughout the country, considered universally to be the Father of Modern Counterpoint.

All well and good. It's decent stuff, Palestrina's tunes. But for my money, the cat from that time(17th century) was Orlando di Lasso. More imaginative, more soulful. At least that's how I remember it.

It's been now 30 years since I was a music student. My education took place in, as it turns out, the last century. I like to think it's still of some value. Two significant experiences come readily to mind when I think back on that period, from '73 to '80(okay, I bounced around a little). One of them is what I just wrote about in the previous blog. Don't remember the year.

The other one I do happen to remember and it was in '75. Studying Music History. I was reading Grout's History of Western Music, then pretty much the standard text. Reading about a composer, a Russian composer named Modest Mussourgsky. He wrote a wonderful piece, initially for two pianos and later orchestrated by Ravel, called Pictures at an Exhibition, and an Opera called-- Boris Godenov.

Reading this title, a light went off in my head, and I hurled the book across the room. As a longtime Bullwinkle fan, I now knew where they got Boris Badenov.

And now, some 35 years later, I share it with you. Ah, the joys of a college education.

Requiem

2010-01-08T17:11:00.000-08:00

Well every year has its casualties, and late in '09 the local music community lost one of its better bassists. Didn't know him well, but had the good fortune to play a couple gigs with him over the past 2 years. Good solid player, particularly on the funkier grooves. Seemed like a nice sort personally as well. I don't know all the details of his passing, just that it was very sudden. His roommate just walked into the room and found him dead.

He was the bassist for, among others, a 4-piece group on a Friday evening happy hour gig. I was told that right after his passing--the visitation was the same night--the band played its usual 2 hours, only without bass!

A very fitting tribute, since the loss is demonstrated, exemplified, in the choice of instruments: everyone but him. And so much more keenly felt, being the backbone of the group, cliched as that may sound. You can do without guitar, or without keyboards, and even without drums, but take away the bass and you take away not only the backbone but the heartbeat of the music. The resultant musical edifice is a foundationless house- which ends up just being a pile of kindling.

Hearing this news reminded me of something I learned in a Music History class, back in my college days. It was a similar symbolic gesture from a 17th century composer, around the time of Palestrina. Don't know the composer or the honoree, but it was a piece written without a Cantus Firmus.

The Cantus Firmus, in pieces of this time, was a melody on which everything else in the piece was based. Not the bass voice but rather the tenor- still, the central theme, the heartbeat of the music. The word 'tenor' comes from the Latin tenere, to hold. It, like the bass player(that is, if he or she is good), holds the music together.

So a piece without a Cantus Firmus demonstrates by its very nature the personal loss of the individual honored, just like a gig without the bass player mourns his loss by the absence of bass frequencies in the mix. Sometimes rests are more powerful than what you play. Missing that funky 'cantus firmus' he used to lay down...

of December and alternate realities

2009-12-21T18:13:00.000-08:00

This has been a busier month than usual, as Decembers are often wont to be. Five gigs on the books, plus at least one rehearsal, plus of course 37.5 hours every week on the daygig. And it's been no picnic there either. There's been a lot of shuffling these days, what with folks getting ready to retire and other folks getting ready to move into their spots--if we were a deck of cards(and who's to say we aren't?)we'd be getting pretty frayed around the edges.

Well I for one have been getting a bit frayed around the edges, whether I exist in card or corporeal form. My gigs covered every weekend, and as the month went, I wished at times that I'd left a free weekend in there as far as booking gigs, a 48-hr period where I could just catch my breath. Some time off.

And that's the problem! Only so much time to work with. If you work a dayjob, chances are you're doing it five days a week, roughly 40 hours per week. That leaves you with two days off every week, and if you have a sideline business like playing gigs, there goes at least one of them. Days, that is.

The actual experience of playing gigs is usually a positive one. I try and accept those gigs I think will be to my liking and avoid those I don't, and am usually okay. My only problem is the time expenditure, the fact that your weekend time is cut into. If you could somehow distill the experience of playing, the joyous interactivity of a good group, and remove the time constraints- the necessity of the event happening at a fixed point in time, You could both "play the gigs" and enjoy your weekend.

Perhaps the gig could itself be a sort of 'virtual reality' you'd experience on your computer or DVD Player, or perhaps the experience would be such that you'd have to enter another dimension to go through it. A nonlinear dimension. Perhaps something entered by a portal not unlike what Kurt Vonnegut Jr described as a Chronosynclastic Infundibulum. This is a funnel, a 'wormhole of the Universe', wherein the great truths reside". And then from there, you'd get the whole experience irrespective of time or space.

And that way, you'd still have your weekends. Makes sense to me anyway..

The Public Eye

2009-12-09T18:29:00.000-08:00

I'm not so sure I want it anymore.

To be in the public eye, that is. Everybody who takes up an instrument, especially guitar or bass or drums or keyboards- the "rock band" instruments- dreams of being up on stage playing for hundreds, nay thousands, of people. Being admired by millions, having untold fame and fortune. Living the dream.

And at its best, who wouldn't want all that? All the money you could imagine, and thus a luxurious- I hate this word but it's the best I know to use here-lifestyle, one with all the creature comforts your little heart could desire: a fancy house with all the trimmin's, a fancy car(if that's your thing), a boat or two, a staff of servants to take care of your every need, plus all kinds of attractive folks who are yours for the taking- for those "other" needs..

Those who achieved stardom, especially after a period of struggling obscurity- two people come to mind here: cartoonist R. Crumb and actor Kevin Bacon- have reported that being able to "get girls" was something that came a lot easier once they were famous. Crumb in particular has spoken about how his fame brought the beautiful women to him that were heretofore only dreamt of.

I have had a few women in my life who've fancied me, thank goodness. One of them even married me. But "getting girls" has never really come easily. Thus this would be the aspect of fame n' fortune that would most appeal to me. That great unattained thing. You can keep all the other material possessions, just give me the babes I've pined over but never gotten.

Then again, I wouldn't want someone who was there just to spend my money or for some form of self-aggrandizement, like advancing their actress/model career. Let them go hang out with Hugh Hefner. I'd want them there because they liked my music, or something to do with me as a person.

It's a hard dream to give up. True, you do modify it- most of us anyway-between adolescence and adulthood, the dream of fame and fortune. Usually just miniaturize it, put it on a smaller scale(i.e. local or maybe regional, as opposed to worldwide), but it's rarely just completely abandoned. If I can't be a worldwide sensation, I'll be a local one.

All well and good. You probably won't make a fortune, but may well be able to make at least a workable living, and with perhaps some of those other 'fringe benefits'. I've seen some do fairly well as active local musicians. More power to 'em.

Me, I once made almost half a living as an active localer at one time. But what with being up on stage that much(and in front of the same people in the same places) I began to feel like I was up on display. Self-conscious, and from that a bit frazzled. And the 'fringe benefits' didn't happen nearly as often as I'd have liked. So for me, it didn't work. I'd at least have to diversify my locations, the places I played.

There are definite parallels of course to local and worldwide fame. Both locally and otherwise, you can enjoy the adulation of either a small or large following, and make a living from that same following- plus reap other various benefits. But the price tag is YOUR ASS!

The more well-known you are, the more of that ass is "owned" by your following. Well, certainly by the media, who feels that, to quote Howard Cosell, "the public has a right to know". When things are going well, you can bask in the bright light of media attention. But-and I've noticed this in many big celebrities, a certain golf legend to name one- if something should go awry, your ass is hung out to dry!! Your career(or at least your endorsements)can come to an ignominious end, or at least have that stain to it that you can't quite get out. That same bright light can burn your ass!

Some years back, locally, there was a certain newscaster who had a certain video that quickly made the rounds. He'd actually tried to get rid of it, and some curious spirit found it in the guy's garbage can. It spread like wildfire, or, perhaps more aptly, like a nasty metastasis in the local body that finally snuffed the sucker out. There was even a T-shirt announcing an eponymous film festival. And the funny thing about all this(in an inherently unfunny situation, at least as regards the ignominy on the part of the individual )was that as porn, it was really tame stuff!

That's the chance you take when your profession puts you in front of a lot of people. Extreme examples perhaps(though none is as much so as the Michael Jackson story, and of the media that crucified and then deified him), but still show the other side of fame.

I remember myself wishing for fame and fortune as a youngster, and even not-so-young'ster. But anymore I find myself pulling back from the whole 'public eye' thing. I'll always be a musician, and always a blogger as well(or some kind of half-assed writer). I love to play music and I love even more to write music. But my personality is too quirky and introverted to do well up in the bright lights-you'd think I'd know this by now. I'm better as a behind-the-scenes kinda guy, with the occasional gig in some public establishment.

For the most part, give me the gigs where you're off in a corner playing for some business's annual party(but still get to play your ass off), or a home-recording setup where I can get crazy all by myself. Out of the public eye, but still viewable out of a corner of it. There's still that remnant of the original dream...

The Letter F

2009-10-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

Well I guess it had to end here. Classical composers: Faure, Frescobaldi. Writers: Faulkner, Flaubert, Frost. Artists: fuckicantthinkofanybody.

The Letter E

2009-10-11T20:57:00.001-07:00

I can't believe I'm still following this out, but here goes. Classical composers: Elgar, Erb. Writers: Emerson, Ellison. Artists: Escher.

The Letter D

2009-10-11T20:43:00.001-07:00

The ice is getting thinner, but I think I can squeeze another one of these out. Classical composers: Debussy, Delius. Writers: Dostoevsky, Dickens, Dickinson, DeMaupassant. Artists: Dali, Donatello. It's the artists I fear I'll run out of soonest.

The Letter C

2009-10-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

A bit trickier, but I think we can manage something here. Classical composers: Czerny, Cherubini, Chopin, Carter, Cage, Crumb, Copland. Writers: Chayefsky, Cheever, Camus, Castandeda. Artists: Chagall, Calder.

Eh, at least something to show in all three categories. I don't think I could do that with artists and writers with all 26 letters of the alphabet, nor could I with composers, but I could come closer in that area, even having something for the letter X(Iannis Xenakis).

The Letter B

2009-10-11T19:19:00.000-07:00

On your mark, get set- go! Classical composers: Bach(JS, CPE, JW), Beethoven, Brahms, Bartok, Berg, Berlioz, Britten, Busoni, Bruckner, Bernstein, Barber, Berio, Babbitt, Bassett, Boulez, Buxtehude, Bizet. Writers: Boll, Brautigan, Baudelaire, Burroughs, Bukowski, Beckett, Baldwin. Artists: Boticelli, Breughel(elder and younger), Bosch.

Hm. A bit better on the composers than my previous effort(that tricky letter M, see below)and on the writers, but nicht zu gut on the artists. Can't win 'em all I guess..

Bach. Offenbach. More than a coincidence?

2009-10-11T18:50:00.000-07:00

Have you ever considered the similarity between Bach and Offenbach? Yes, Johann Sebastian Bach and Jacques Offenbach. Without Bach, there'd be no Offenbach. He'd be Offen-something or other, but not Offenbach. If, as it's said, that there are no accidents in the Universe, then there'd likely be an Offenbrahms. And an Offenbeethoven. And maybe even an Offencrain.*

Also, there'd be no Verdi without Monteverdi. No Schuman without Schumann. Without Weber, Webern would just be n, although he'd still be a "Von" guy. And Yoko, without Nono, would just be Yoko ______.

We definitely need our predecessors, our forbears, if only for their names.

*Samuel Crain(1954-), obscure American composer.

Them Changes

2009-10-11T10:50:00.000-07:00

Well at the moment I have one guitar student, whom I teach maybe every two or three weeks. We work mainly on how to play songs, how to adapt them to the guitar. Not always easy, but therein lies the learning. At very least, you end up knowing more about your fretboard than you did before. But we always give it a good effort as far as making the music on the page(quite often written for piano)work on the guitar.

This is one of the few situations in my teaching life where I travel to the student's residence rather then having them come to mine, or to a studio. I don't normally do this, don't really care for it, but this is an exceptional circumstance, so I make an exception. And I reward myself for the drive every time by getting dinner on the way home at a local Taco joint. Tasty food- I'm a Sancho man myself, plus rice-but tired service. Not quite rude, but just tired.

But then I'll take good food and funky service. At least the food's good. And the guitar lesson is always a pleasant experience, even if I don't care for the drive. So I have a drive I don't care for with a good lesson, and good food with slightly surly service. I guess it averages out..

This last lesson was okay as lessons go. Not really unpleasant as such but- well, partly to mostly sunny. Problem: chord changes. In this case, the changes to My Funny Valentine. It gets confusing for student and teacher alike, sifting through the various versions of standard tunes. The Real Book has one set of changes and your songbook has another. And the teacher has yet another, ever-so-slightly different from those two.

For the sake of just learning the damn tune, the elegant solution is just to pick one. And you can do it more or less arbitrarily(by State Flags if you prefer)since there are really no OFFICIAL changes to any of these tunes, even though there are, yes, original ones(which may themselves not be as musically satisfying as subsequent versions)and those more or less agreed-upon by common practice.

That's right. There are no "Official" changes. Learn a version of the tune- maybe even the one in the Real Book-and then have your fun once you've thoroughly mastered it. And that's the beauty of jazz. Saying it in your own way. I never wanted to say it somebody else's way anyway. Not for long.

We ended the guitar lesson being pretty much on the same page. It was more a matter of my methodology as a teacher, my needing in this case to just pick a version of the tune we're learning, preferably one with a printed page so you have something 'tangible' right in front of you. One of the rare times when there was dissension in the lesson, and on the way home got my 2 sanchos and rice from the Taco place with friendly service!!

I guess the suddenly friendly service at the Taco place was the Universe's way of counterbalancing the mild but still uncharacteristic negativity of the guitar lesson. Or maybe it's more that a good(i.e. positive, non-incendiary)guitar lesson and friendly service at the Taco place afterward are mutually exclusive. Something's got to give way, on one side or the other. Or maybe it's just me ascribing meaning to it based on my own prejudices rather than any kind of objective reality. I think I'll pick Number 3, Alex...

Well that may be one of those mysteries I'll never really know the answer to. If indeed there's any one answer to it. Like the changes to My Funny Valentine.

Forbidden Tones

2009-09-06T12:29:00.000-07:00

I remember being a music student in college back in the 70's, studying musical composition. Our teacher was more the avant-garde type than most all of his students, particularly me with my Hindemithian quasi-tonality and for the most part early 20th c. musical aesthetic, but still offered musical counsel that we could use. He cited to me an example of a fellow student, who had in his lessons--music comp was taught on a private lesson basis as opposed to a classroom setting--asked the question "can I do this?"

"Never", my teacher said, "ask 'can I do this?'". The only valid question here is "will it work?".

Indeed. Music theory is itself merely an afterthought, a codification of what composers have come up with by asking themselves- will this work? And if it does, it becomes 'music theory'.

There have, of course, been forbidden tones in the past, and for all kindsa crazy religious/philosophical reasons- themselves perfectly logical and reasonable to their holders at the time. A music lesson in the 16th century in which that question had been asked- can I do this- , may well have been answered with a resounding NO(or perhaps nay). . But then in the 20th century--and, let's hope, even more so here in the 21st--we're past the decorum of harmonic "permissions". Anything goes, so long as it works.

Let's imagine though, for just a second, that there were tones, or perhaps a certain progression of notes, that was forbidden by the government. All recorded music and sheet music would be scanned of course to make sure none of the no-no notes were in there. And all electric guitars and keyboards would be programmed to set off an alarm if those notes were played. Within minutes, your house would be surrounded and you'd have at least 10 individuals pointing guns at you. But they'd let you live so you could stand trial..

And they'd have public executions of all the violators of Musical Law. The "forbidden" sounds would be played to accompany the hangings or shootings. In that way these criminals- these "sound-criminals" if you will, would die by the vile notes they played.

Of course you'd have your revolutionaries, and the "forbidden" sounds would be their anthem. They'd de-program the guitars and keyboards, and hopefully lead people out of musical tyranny.

You could take Musical Law another way as well, that being a more gradated system of lawfulness, of musical legality. Certain notes or intervals could be deemed merely misdemeanor offenses while others would be felonies, for instance a Perfect 4th vs a minor 9th. So you'd have your law-abiding musical citizens, your borderline troublemakers, and your musical incorrigibles. "Ahh the Music Prisons are full of guys like you!"

Anything goes. Music is the most abstract of the arts, and that fact itself gives it a headstart on expressive freedom, much less the perhaps-not-infinite-but-still-vast number of possible tonal variations. Some things may be harder on the ears than others(even if they're tonal!)but there are no crimes of noteage.

One closing item, one thing, and from this same period, that made me laugh just a little bit and is apropos here, is an old comic strip from the National Lampoon. A little girl, age 12 or so hears her folks huffing and puffing and her Mom moaning. She calls the cops, "help, my Father is killing my Mother!!" So the cops bust in to the parents' bedroom to find them screwing. They're doing it doggie-style, and the wife turns to the husband and says, angrily, " I told you this position was illegal!"

A Purse Made Out of Pus

2009-09-06T12:12:00.001-07:00

Well you can't really say no muss, no fuss
But all the same, tell Mary! Tell Gus!
If you still don't know quite what it is,
It's a purse made out of pus!

Okay, not much marketability there: "Gee, Patty's quite the hit at the party with her new Pus Purse!" Then again, there's a market for everything, really. Disgusting human secretions/emissions? Sure, why not! Probably even Pus Purses, provided of course that you don't really get any onya--provided that you're protected by a patina of clear plastic.

So Patty's Pus Purse just might be the hit of the party. But then Sally just might take over the soiree with her new Snot Handbag.

RIP MJ

2009-06-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

Wow. Michael Jackson has died. A wonderfully dynamic entertainer, with a great energy to his performances. The King of Pop. I was glad to see such an outpouring of emotion from fans all over the world-- strangely enough, courtesy of the same mass media that vilified him not that long ago....

I hadn't thought of him in years. Strangely enough, since all that hoohah was going on about him in the media as to his various alleged aberrations. I was never a big fan per se, but always respected his talent. And that's what will shine through in the end, regardless of what he did or didn't do otherwise. Great stuff.

As far as all the bizarre behavior, who knows? Personally, I think he just snapped, and that the subsequent media "coverage"(make that scrutiny)just exacerbated the situation- like a magnifying glass on a leaf outside under the sun. Fried his psyche real good. Of course this is just my halfassed opinion, not any great pronouncement of fact..

As a creative artist of any kind, but particularly a performer--such as an actor or instrumentalist or vocalist--you give a part of your ass to your audience every time you perform in front of them. If you're a good actor or player or singer, you've shared something very intimate to them. You've gotten inside them. And that part that's gotten inside they take with them. So thus they now own a piece of your ass. And the bigger the scale you perform on, the more of that ass they own.

Rest in peace, Mr. Jackson. It's a shame they crucified you before they deified you. Hopefully you won't have those problems where you've gone from here.

The Letter M

2009-06-05T13:02:00.000-07:00

Just as a sort of intellectual exercise, I was trying to see how many classical composers I could come up with whose last names begin with the letter M. Okay, so far: Mozart, Mendelsohn, Mahler, Milhaud, Menotti, Monteverdi, Mussoursky(sp?), Martino, Messaien.

Not too many. Let's try artists: Monet, Matisse, Michaelangelo, Munch. Hmm, even fewer there. How about writers? Moliere, du Maupassant, Miller, Michener, More, Mann, Melville, Matheson, Machiavelli.

Well, between composers and writers, about even. Trailing in the M artists. I guess that's the area I need to work on.

The New Curriculum

2009-05-03T15:47:00.000-07:00

Granted, I should do the necessary research before embarking on these blog projects , but I'm assuming that Colleges and Universities(though perhaps not the overwhelming majority of them)still carry a Music Therapy major. This was popular in the mid-70's and into the 80's, and I knew a number of folks who went into it. They worked in hospitals and clinics, helping to restore health in their clients by means of music.

My question is, now that we're in the 21st century, if you're a music student at a Terrorist University, would you be able to major in Music Torture? I reckon it'd be like Music Therapy only you'd be endeavoring to cause pain and suffering rather than relieve it. You'd most likely start out with simple interrogations and then work your way up to the real horror.

For me, the music of torture would probably be a combo of Alvin and the Chipmumks, the Bee Gees, and a few tunes by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons(most notably "Big Girls Don't Cry"). Annoying vocal groups with high-pitched stylings are pretty much the root canal surgery of my psyche.

Of course for many, this would be Heaven. A steady diet of these groups would be a Nirvana they'd have to try mightily to conceal, lest it were taken away and replaced with, say, jazz(ugh!). A state of cosmic bliss as they listened, forever, to "cry-y-yyyy" and other such vocal--stylings..

Music Torture. What a concept. And as well how the music used as torture, the pieces of punishment, would vary from individual to individual. Who knows- I'm sure there'd be somebody out there(and yes, I'm giving you this one)to whom the worst possible experience would be having to listen to my music! "Aaaugh- I'll talk! Just turn that stuff off!!"

Well what the hell. At least it'd be getting played.

The Law of Inverse Proportion

2009-04-14T20:02:00.000-07:00

I've been getting a lot of new Facebook friends these days. It's a good thing. Actually they're old friends who've resurfaced after a decade or two(or even three). Most all are musicians, one in particular wrote some songs I liked back in the 80's. Red Spots and Rhesus Monkey were two of my favorites.

I remember being at a party at his house in which I discovered an album by Teenage Jesus and the Jerks. In case you didn't know, that's my favorite band name. Well, as a 20-something-year-old, I liked(and still like)verbal cleverness(even of the groaner variety) and a certain degree of spit-in-yer-eye irreverence. I begged my friend to put the album on.

Five minutes later(if that)I was begging him to take the album off! Absolutely unlistenable. I remember thinking at the time something along the lines of a tracheotomy set to music. Like having your throat ripped out. I try to be as open-minded as possible(and after going to music school, the weird-o-meter was definitely maxxed out as far as being exposed to different shall we say approaches), but there is some stuff out there that I just plain can't handle. And apparently, Teenage Jesus and the Jerks is such a group. My threshold for them was about the same as in my lone experience with chewing tobacco. Ptooey!!

But this was something of an epiphany for me. It was in this moment that I discovered the Law of Inverse Proportion. The quality of band name is in inverse proportion to the quality of the music. In other words, the better the name, the worse the music. And, conversely, the worse the name the better the music.

Case in point: Teenage Jesus and the Jerks. Wonderful name, horrid music. My second favorite band name is Scum, and they're almost as unlistenable- though I must say, when I heard them their guitarist was giving it a good effort. These two groups are the apex and nadir, with wonderful names and abysmal music. They represent the extremes. The negative/positive extremes.

Conversely, The Beatles are arguably the best band ever(with a little help from their friends-most notably George Martin), and their band name is just about the lamest ever. It's like the jokes you read in Modern Maturity(useta be in the waiting room at a music store where I gave guitar lessons). Example: Where do sheep get their hair cut? At the baah-baah shop. The beat-les. Sheesh.

So, once again, the Law of Inverse Proportion. Wonderful band, dreadful name. The apex of musical accomplishment and the nadir of verbal imagination. Similarly, another example(and itself within a certain proportion) is the Doobie Brothers. A good band- though perhaps not a great one- with a dumb(but not abysmally dumb) name. Thus the name 'doobie brothers' is really just sort of trendily jejune(like the Furry Freak Brothers), lacking the benumbing groan power of 'beat-les', but then they didn't reach the artistic heights either.

It's all proportionate. Good band- dumb name. Real good band- real dumb name. Great band- a name that can shatter glass.

Of course you could have tastes completely contrary to mine, or otherwise be from a Parallel Universe, in which case you'd just read this in reverse, so to speak. The Beatles? Ugh. But what a cool bandname..

General Blog(whoever he is)

2007-05-31T17:33:00.000-07:00

Whew! Almost another week in the books. I wonder if anybody actually checks in here. For almost 2 months now I've been using this site as an alt news page(and other stuff, since you can add pictures in here), due to a "mysterious" problem with my computer. And of course for almost 2 months now I've been meaning to get this problem taken care of.

Well I do get to things when I get sufficiently fed up . Been meaning to start exercising again for the longest time now, and just launched that endeavor in the past 2 days(fed up with the spare tire around my middle), so maybe that resolve will carry over into getting this computer problem taken care of. Then I can go back to writing in the newspage, which people seem to actually read.

Music news:
Sent 6 tunes to a young guitarist in North Carolina this week who'd contacted me through my main website(http://www.samcrain.com/ ), will probably be received tomorrow if not by now. Hickory, NC to be exact. Hopefully some if not all the tunes will work out with the jazz ensemble there.
Got a new CD which is 90% there as far as being finished. Music of Sam Crain Vol 2 is the title, and it's all classical music from 1975 to 2007. I've got the CDs and they sound just fine. Just wrapping up the inserts, which we should have done next week. There's one player on there whose last name escapes me, which I'm going to try to find out in the next couple days. So far she's billed as Beverly Misterioso.
Am working on getting more of my classical music out into the world and am in the process of getting some of it copied. As far as the immediate future, I have a set of 3 short piano pieces, a piano Sonata--big steamy sucker in 4 movements-and 2 bigband charts. These 4 pieces I'd like to see out there getting played once in awhile.
Got a nice surprise email from a friend and fellow student from Peabody days('76-80). Another guitarist, who'd played on one of my tunes(no loitering)and had stumbled onto something of mine via iTunes. He wasn't a composer, at least not that I know of, but did have some fairly wacky ideas, including one for a piece for Guitar, Brake Drums and Salesman. I tried to write something after that, but I think it was one of those things that's a better concept than anything. Once you try to flesh it out you lose it. Or at least I felt like I did...
Picked up a gig I've had for a couple years now, for Horace Mann. This will be our 3rd year doing it. Trio plus alto saxophone(or I suppose tenor or bari). So that makes 2 gigs for June. It's usually the slowest month of the year for CD sales, but can be a busy one for gigs. This year I'm kinda proud of myself as I've taken care of(I think)all the pesky little details I was less efficient on last year. Getting to be a slightly better(or at least less shitty)businessman year by year..

Okay then. I guess that's the news for the moment. One more workday to plow through.

Bass Under Pressure

2007-05-28T20:16:00.000-07:00

The bass is the most important instrument in the group. It defines the harmony and with the drums defines the rhythmic component as well. The bass is to music what the jab is to boxing: everything else is built off it, from it. You can't have a group(at least none I'd want to hear)without a bass player.

But unfortunately, it's not always the most exciting instrument in the group. Being the foundation of the music much of the time you're supporting things from underneath . While the melody instruments are running across the carpet, you're busy holding up the floors.

So consequently relatively few folks take up this noble instrument. And you have to have a bass player, so somebody's gotta do it. Enter the doubler. Usually, though not always, a guitarist looking for more work. And after all, everybody plays guitar..

What happens here is that you get a ton more gigs, once you double on bass, since everybody needs one and hardly anybody(it seems)plays one. Some folks just go with the flow and become bass players. More power to 'em I say. Others chafe after a time under the gross gig imbalance, with suddenly even fewer gigs on their main instrument--or at least no time to take them.

I myself went through several years of 80% bass gigs and 20% guitar. Of course on the few guitar gigs I got(usually that I had to book myself)I would overplay horribly since it was after all my big chance to play. I was playing a lot more bass than I wanted to and not nearly enough guitar. It was pissing me off.

So it was then(can't remember the damn year, but I'm thinking '94)that I founded Bass Under Pressure, the support group for guitarists and other instrumentalists who take up bass as a second instrument to get more work and consequently get fewer gigs on their main instruments.

The group has five or six members at this point, mostly guitarists but one trumpet player. We've yet to have a meeting but it has been discussed. Just nice to know that there are others out there who share your struggles.

Weekend edition

2007-05-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

It always feels good to survive a sorta-tough week of work(as well as a really tough one). Next time I have a happy-hour gig though, I think I'm gonna take a couple hours off from work so as to have time to regroup. We did okay on our gig last night, but I think I'd have done better with just a bit of chill time in there.

So, getting my chill time in now. I have a new CD, called Music of Sam Crain Vol 2, which is going to be available very soon. It's all classical stuff, 7 selections in all. The first 3 are relatively normal, nice and tonal, the second 3 relatively wacked, and the 7th- well you tell me. Got the actual CDs in the mail today, and they sound just fine, so once we get the insert stuff together I'll have a new CD for you.

You who like this kind of music. Fortunately there're folks out there who like all manner of styles and persuasions in their music, so there'll be folks who like my music. They liked the last classical CD at any rate, so hopefully this one will follow suit. Anyway, like a Viagra-inspired weenie, it'll be up very soon.

Sold another CD this week on CD Baby, always a good thing. Jazz Guitar Vol 3 was their wise selection and they hail from Istanbul. My first sale in Turkey, very cool. http://www.cdbaby.com/all/scrain is where to go to listen to this CD and maybe pick one up yourself, from wherever you hail.

Well I guess that's the news fit to print. Thanks for checking in here, have yourself a nice Memorial Day Weekend, and don't forget to keep your greasy side down.

baja Friday

2007-05-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

Whew! I'm just glad there's one more day left in the work-week. Got a gig tomorrow evening with the Trio, a nice 2-hour Happy Hour affair after which hopefully we'll have our apres-gig dinner/beer swillage at my favorite neighborhood restaurant- Bernie n' Betty's. It's always good. We have nice conversation, much of it about the gig we just played and our various performances both individual and group. No doubt they'll tell me I rushed on something we'd played, although I have also been known to keep it 'in there' as well, pocket-wise..

But the critiques are a good thing, a constructive thing. And of course I critique my two bandmates as well. It's all toward a positive end, nothing said with any oneupsmanship or other hidden agendas. I've worked in bands where that happened, and it can be a royal pain in the keester. There was a bass player years ago who used to do that if he'd hired me(unfortunately his prerogative there)or if we were fellow sidemen(not his prerogative here!), which used to really grate on me. In this latter situation I finally went to the person who'd hired us and said basically "shut him the fuck up or I walk". The next gig we had the situation was rectified, at least as far as I was concerned--he was over telling the drummer how to play! I guess the energy has to go someplace..

Well hell, to give credit where credit's due, this same bass player(mainly a trombonist, which almost gives his identity away--well if anybody actually reads my blog here)would also do damn near anything for you as well. He may drive you bugshit in the process, but was still in your corner. Definitely was supportive of me, and at a time when many others weren't - or so it seemed anyway.

Off on a tangent as usual. Yes in this world you do have difficult people. It's all in how it balances out as far as their other qualities. Fortunately no one in this group is difficult like that. Kinda nice when that happens, when everybody is easy to get along with.

So yeah, just glad this week is almost over with. Not a particularly harrowing one as far as any events, just four-going-on-five days of work. By about Wednesday, you're ready for it to be over, and by Friday you're really ready. A gig right after work on Friday sometimes feels like the last thing you want to do, but once you get started(especially one's own gig)it's really the best thing you could be doing.

There is a young guitarist from North Carolina who wrote to me recently asking about some of my tunes. As soon as I get through this damn week in its entirety, I'm gonna send him some. I get a fair amount of spam, both in my guestbook and just silliness sent to me from the contact page on my website(http://www.samcrain.com/ ), so it's very refreshing to get a real, sincere communication like this. Glad to help.

As a musician-with-a-dayjob, I don't get a lot of such requests or communications. But I do get 'em, and they mean a lot. There's a person from Hong Kong who's bought my CDs a bunch at a time, and just bought another 6 this past week on CD Baby. Thanks to them, Hong Kong is my biggest seller as far as a foreign country(Japan is second, followed by Australia).

Well I guess there's no particular theme or idea behind this blog, besides the fact that it's almost Friday, and I'm ready for a break from the rigors of daygig. 3 whole days. Okay then. Thanks for wading through this drivel. More as it happens.

another CD

2007-05-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

Man, I gotta be some kinda fucking idiot! I've got yet another CD that I'm getting ready to spring on the open market(or at least the .001% that buys my stuff..), this one--get the Dunce Cap ready--all classical music.

Well I do have one CD already of all classical stuff, Music of Sam Crain, which is available at http://cdbaby.com.all/scrain (just scroll down aways)which folks have actually bought a few copies of. Not a million copies mind you, just enough to make me think I could sell another such CD..

So in a very short time, here comes Music of Sam Crain Vol 2. The actual CDs are apparently ready to go and en route to chez Rog, and the packaging is- well, it's just embarked upon. Meaning I've got to get all that together. But I did call the nice folks who did the last one(Donna's House of Type)and thus made that first step in the journey.

A fairly simple matter really. I've got the cover picked out(a pic of New Mexico's beautiful 'skyline')and the liner notes should be no problem. Just gotta get off my ass a bit and get all that in motion.

As far as the actual music, it spans a 32-yr period, from 1975 to 2007. The stuff starts off nice and tonal, gets weird and then returns to quasi-tonality at the end. Sort of a full-circle harmonic experience. Hopefully a few people will like it and buy copies once all this is done and all packaged.

You never know, of course. But as a musician(or for that matter any creative artist)ya gotta keep moving forward as far as your output. So here comes CD #19. With, I'm sure, more to come.

Musician With A Job

2007-05-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

Being a musician with a daygig is not always an easy thing to be. What's difficult is mainly the hours. You're basically keeping two schedules, which sometimes clash like hell. It's a juggling act, and I sometimes feel like the guy who used to be on HBO jugging an apple, an egg and a bowling ball(no kidding!)- only in my case I get the worst of all three objects I'm juggling. Yeah yeah, the bowling ball lands where it hurts the most...

Case in point: had a nice Thursday gig about a half-hour out of town. Got home about 10:30 in the pm. Wired from playing the gig, trying to wind down with a few beers. The phone's ringing and I'm trying to get my computer going--it's moving slower than smoke off a turd, which isn't helping. The computer finally downloads everything, and I've sold another 6 CDs on CD Baby! Elated over that, which I'm sure jacks up the WindDown-o-Meter. Still wide awake at 2am , 3am and 4am, not sure if I got any shut-eye at all, and was a complete vegetable the next morning. Had to call in to work. They were cool about it, but I hate to screw up like that.

Well, music just stirs you up. Or it should at any rate. Little wonder it takes more than 2 hours to wind down from a very pleasant gig in which much guitar was played by both guitarists. The 3-Legged Dog Cafe is the name of the establishment where we played, in beautiful Jacksonville IL. It was originally a restaurant(back in '94, called Merrigan's--I played solo guitar gigs there for a meal and gas money)and then a bank and now a restaurant again. I guess it'd be logical for the place to be a bank one more time in there, but we'll see on that one..

So it's taken a day, but I have my head back on straight as far as my lunar cycles. I remember playing Lake Tahoe, back in '85, where we had a 3-week engagement and seemed to go to work later every week. The third week we'd start our first set at 1:15am, wrapping things up about 4:45, after which time the bandleader and I would hit the bar for a few belts and head back to our respective rooms around 5:30. You'd wake up around 1-1:30 in the pm, and after a couple days it almost felt normal. Going back to regular am hours felt like we'd gone full cycle, like we'd orbited the Earth..

It is possible to be a musician with a daygig, though the energy factor rears its ugly head as one gets older and thus less able to handle late nights and early mornings. We need those gigs that are over with by 9 during the week and 12 on weekends. Oh yeah, and someone to carry our gear into the club.

Okay, just kidding about that last item- although I wouldn't turn it down. Next gig up is this coming Friday, from 5:30 to 7:30 in the pm. Plenty of time to unwind from this one, and hopefully it'll be such a good gig as to require it. See http://www.samcrain.com/ or http://www.myspace.com/samcrain for details.

Even though it screws up my hours on occasion, I must say it is nice to have something I feel passionately about to the point it keeps me up. And I feel fortunate in that regard. Makes it easier to have a dayjob, knowing that it's something I leave at the office. And while at the office I have no burning desire to Make Something of Myself, since I already have an area--music--where I'm unimportant.

In that sense, I guess my music and my daygig do feed one another. The daygig makes it so that I don't have to scruff for music gigs, and the music makes it so that I don't have to find meaning in my daygig. Most of the time I'm able to keep everything going, but once in awhile I drop that bowling ball someplace..

The Sam Crain Trio

2007-05-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

Remind me to use hair gel next time I get my picture taken. Well, I've had worse hair in pictures, and the expression is okay. Plus, and most importantly, this is the first picture of The Sam Crain Trio we've had to work with. It's only taken us a year and a half, but we're getting there.

From left to right: Bill Schlipf, Sam Crain(aka Roger U Roundly), Don Cochran. Don has been with the group since '98-99 when it was a quartet, first with vocalist and then with tenor saxophone/vocals, occasionally quartet with piano . Since January of '06, the group has been a trio. Our first gig was on January 27th, which as it turned out was Mozart's birthday, kinda cool. A subsequent engagement at the same place honored another birthday but not quite so momentous: Snoop Dogg. Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind... We're playing there again on the 25th of this month, so I'll have to see what kinda celebrity birthdays we've got going then.

But I digress. We're having a nice time playing together. Just like the previous incarnations, this group does jazz standards and originals by moi. But this group is more interactive than many of my other assemblages as far as feedback. With the quartet we started off with noble intentions as far as the different things we were gonna do, but ultimately everybody was kinda going their own ways. We'd just show up and play our setlist and say 'see ya next time', kinda set it and forget it as far as that goes. That gets the job done, but you don't have any growth. So it's cool having a fresh new group, relatively speaking. People speak up more, and thus a rehearsal sometimes becomes like a clinic as far as making changes, with everyone critiquing everyone else.

I have something myself to work on as far as that goes. It's not something I have totally implemented into my own playing just yet of course, but our bassist has suggested I change my posture on the fast numbers. Up until now, it's been sorta scrunched over as if trying to get in out of the rain, basically trying to "maintain" the time. He just brought the tune to a halt at a recent rehearsal and said, " hey, why not try leaning back(so to speak, but it's still a literal physical act)and relaxing into it". Damn, never thought of that..

So anyway, we play things at pretty much all tempos, from ballads to what is in certain circles referred to as tempo di tear-ass. And we try and cover a variety of feels, something else we're working on. It's all good.

Actually, as groups go, I suppose ours is really still in its infancy. We just need to get more gigs to grow. So- trio for hire. Reasonable rates. Plus that classic guitar trio sound. Just remind me to use hair gel if you take our picture.

Apres gig

2007-04-15T00:17:00.000-07:00

Apres(can't get this American-ass keyboard to do the accent over the e)is of course French for after or following. After the gig.

Spent a full 8-hour day today in conjunction with a basically 3-hour gig an hour away. Okay, 2 hours in transit, 3 playing, leaving 3 hours for dinner. Actually I ended up having dinner twice: at 5pm scarfing down a McDonald's 2 cheeseburger n' fries meal(since I didn't think they were feeding us at the gig)and then again at 7:30 when we found out they were feeding us after all. Steak, baked potato, green beans. I don't think I'll be hungry for awhile.

Well, 2 meals notwithstanding, a fair amount of sitting around. But then again it was a political function(Democratic fundraiser)so there was a lot of talking. Just goes with the territory.

Today's gig was in Beardstown, Illinois- home of the great vibraphonist(nee`marimba player, so one of the residents told me)Red Norvo. I had known that, but forgot until I got there today. There's a sign right as you come into town. Cool. According to my website, I've played there, but don't remember any particulars.

I remember the Red Norvo Trio from my Dad's Jazz Encyclopedias, though am not sure in all honesty that I've actually heard them. But I am familiar with the playing of their guitarist Tal Farlow via a couple of his recordings. Hafta dig up an old Red Norvo Trio recording or two, I'm sure they'd exist on CD. I know also that Tal Farlow wasn't Red Norvo's only guitarist, only I can't think of who the other player was. Damn!

Worked with a singer tonight: vocals, guitar, piano bass & drums. Noisy-ass room. Particularly good piano player, whom I've worked with only once before. I like working with players like this- with, in the Great Jazz Dojo, a few more stripes on their belt(if not a completely different color)-as it challenges me to play harder. Mainly, in that regard, I just tried to let go more in the playing, just avail myself to the music and what was coming out of me in the process.

I guess that's the news of the day. Long-ass day, but enjoyable. I'm normally pretty selfish about my Saturdays, since they normally follow five often stressful workdays, but this has been a vacation week. So this Saturday expedition follows five relatively stress-free days, and is thus much more of a fun ride. Well, it all starts up again on Monday, as far as the stress. But they pay me for it.

PC? Me??

2007-04-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

Actually I hate the whole idea of political correctness, the whole punctilious anality of it: well you're supposed to do it/say it/think it/ this way. On an individual basis though, I do try not to hurt feelings. Like Jonathan Swift, I love people but often can't stand mankind. Anyway, let me see if I can come to the point here.

For a number of years I hosted a weekly poker game here at chez Roundly. Much jocularity, as would befit such a gathering. Everybody seemed to have their own personal witticisms for the game(mine for instance was renaming "Texas Hold-em" as "Shit in the Middle"), and one individual would always use the Engrish for Club Flush when the hand came up. Crub Frush.

And we'd have a big ol' Caucasian laugh over that one every time. When this individual passed on rather suddenly, I decided to write him a tribute piece. Titled, of course, Crub Frush. Started to write it on a few occasions, never really got too far. But still vowed to turn it out sometime or other.

Over the past month or so, I've gotten some e-mails which made me rethink all this. One was from Hong Kong, someone who'd downloaded half a dozen of my tunes and was asking permission to play them(?). I never did find out exactly what that was about, but just told him, "sure, go ahead and play them" as far as all that. Very flattering- I was tickled!

The other was from someone in Japan, who has 4 of my CDs, and was asking for recommendations on which others he might like. I wrote right back and mentioned a couple 3 I thought would be a good fit. Again, I was very flattered.

In this latter e-mail, from Japan, I was kinda sympathizing with the person's linguistic difficulties as far as communicating in English( some of it was nicht zu gut, even though I could tell what he was trying to say). The differences between the two languages is like apples and oranges, so you might as well be speaking Martian.

Somehow, Crub Frush just didn't seem so funny anymore. Really more cruel than anything. Something I wasn't sure I wanted the two people who'd written to me to see as a tune out there, let alone others who might stumble across it. I do have a tune called Nippon Funk*, which someone from Japan stumbled onto and bought 3 copies of! So whatever I send out there, I'd like it to be something which will be a happy surprise when someone finds it.

So I may well send a dedicated tune out there to my deceased pokerpal of a couple-or-so years. But I'll have to come up with a different title. One that'll play better in 2007.

*from the CD In Your Dreams, available at http://cdbaby.com/all/scrain

Another Day in Paradise

2007-04-10T08:39:00.000-07:00

Well the novelty will wear off I'm sure, but for the time being I really enjoy my bacon n' cheese sammich as a morning meal. On workday mornings,it's usually just coffee for me(got the 2 4-legged residents to feed anyway), but on these days off, gimme my b n' c sammich please.

Hope I didn't come down too hard on jazz whistlers and the like(see previous blog). What gets me about those guys though is that they seem to take themselves so damn seriously! They always seem to have some heavy connection someplace else as far as their career--well if so then what the hell are you doing here?!!

All I'm saying is just relax that shit. Pursue your art but have fun with it. There is a jazz harmonica player who comes down to some of my things and does not have any kind of agenda: he's just trying to get better at what he's doing, just like me or anybody else. No heavy connections in Chicago or DC or anywhere(though I think he might know some people in Glenarm...), no record contracts or tours or any other fabricated stuff.

And he always asks if he can sit in. The answer's always yes, but it is good to be asked. Our jazz whistler would just sorta walk up on the stand and join in, which useta irk me and really irk our bass player.

Okay then. That's my two cents. Actually I could credit my harmonica pal by one more: not only does he ask to sit in, he doesn't play through everybody else's shit when he does join us. Sorry to kvetch like this, but that's one thing that pisses me off about most harmonica players- they tend to play the whole time, with little regard for what's going on around them.

Where was I going here? Nowhere in a hurry it would seem. Anyway, if I were at work we'd say another day in Paradise. A shitty, iron-gray day, bright but without sunshine. I'm sure there's more despair in the air down at the office.

Sort of a gloomy day at the homestead, at least as far as the weather, but my ass is still on vacation- and for the whole week! Got enough food and drink for 3 animals' consumption for at least the balance of the week,plenty of viewing material on video/DVD(including a new Spongebob DVD!). So we're set.

Normally I write this drivel on my usual-and-customary musician site at http://www.samcrain.com/ but for some reason can't get into the admin page to write anything. Thank goodness for these alt-blogsites. Really, I should probably just keep the newspage to just that. News. Do my rambling here.

Well thanks for reading through this hoo-hah. For purely musical stuff, go to my regular site at, again, http://www.samcrain.com/ even though there's nothing new in the news since last week. So this is the place to check in for the time being. More as it happens, or at least occurs to me...

Misc Instruments

2007-04-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

I get a kick out of 'novelty' instruments, but do recognize their plight. First, I guess you'd say there's a degree of novelty as far as how to thus classify instruments. So instruments with differing degrees of novelty are going to have quite different sets of rules..

The Tuba is a standard instrument in either the Orchestra or Concert Band but a bit of a novelty as far as being a solo instrument, particularly in jazz. Thus jazz Tuba solos tend to stand out a bit. I knew a guy in college who as a jazz Tubist, and could play some shit. His solos always got big applause though, largely due to the novelty of solo jazz Tuba. He used to get pissed off about it, wishing people could appreciate what he was playing more than the big-ass axe he was playing it on. Such was his dilemma.

What a rough life..

Then you have your true novelties, such as your jazz whistlers and the like. We had a jazz whistler in the area for awhile who used to sit in on various folks' gigs. Supposedly had some heavy connections in Washington DC or someplace and moved on.

I'm sure like many pursuits, jazz whistling can be done with some degree of artistry and expression. And I can see someone pursuing it wanting to be taken seriously. But you still would really need to have a sense of humor to succeed as a jazz whistler, just to withstand the jokes:

Okay I see you can play jazz. But what about the standard whistler literature: Andy Griffith, Bridge over the River Kwai?

So as a whistler, what kind of range do you have? Can you get into the Canine frequencies?

Who are your influences?

Do you come from a whistling family?

Okay, you get the idea. Of course, the ultimate degree of novelty(with the Tuba being low and the whistler significantly higher)is the air-guitarist. Strangely enough I've never met, for instance, any air-clarinetists or air-saxophonists. Well okay, the air-saxophonists would be wise to start on air-clarinet first but that's beside the point.

Someplace. Anyway, I once had someone play Jimi Hendrix-style air guitar at a gig, while I played Jimi Hendrix-style guitar standing behind my amp. It was fun. Not an ounce of seriousness.

There is a bar I used to frequent around that time, and unfortunately missed a couple of live ones on one occasion. They were telling the bartender about their band and some songs they'd written. "Oh yeah- so what do you play?" the bartender asked them. "Oh I play air-guitar and Kenny here plays air-bass."

And they were serious! Not an ounce of humor. I think I'd have lost it at that point, which surely would've pissed them off. Well hopefully in keeping with their art, they'd just throw air punches.

Not with my luck.

The POETS Club

2007-04-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

POETS is an acronym for 'piss on everything, tomorrow's Saturday'. It was thunk up by a co-worker(we work for the State, where acronyms abound), and is celebrated most every Friday, particularly those which precede a day of leisure.. Embarking this time on not only a whole weekend, but a whole week besides that. My first actual vacation period since last November. Getting roughly 3 weeks a year, it's roughly a quarterly event taking a week off from the rigors of daygigdom.

I just noted that this is also my last post since November. Well if people would read this fucker I might write in it more often. Then again, it's tough to keep up several blogsites at once. Your stuff doesn't always fall conveniently into all your designated blog category slots- at least usually not enough to keep them all afloat. Something always sinks. I also have a movie blog(http://opinionatedtwit.blogspot.com/ )which has grown a few cobwebs over the past few months. Got a few stray things to write in there as well over this next week or so.

The POETS Club celebration usually(though not always)involves a bit of the barley mixed into the proceedings. In other words, me tapping on the computer keyboard and swilling a beer or two. At present, am nursing #2 of 4 Coronas in the fridge. May or may not ingest all 4, but possibly one more after this.

Maybe it's just me, but there's something about that third beer. You have just enough alcohol in you to mellow you a bit, but not enough to make you stoopid. I once proposed marriage on this exact amount of beer in me, which went something like this:

ME: So how'd you like to be Mrs Sam?
HER: Okay, so how many beers have you had?
ME: Two and working on a third.

And the rest is history. She accepted, we got married, stayed married for awhile, got divorced. It happens. Jeez, how I got on this tangent I haven't the foggiest. Maybe 2 beers is enough to make you stoopid...

So, embarking on some time off here. Lotsa practicing this week, and hopefully some home recording. If so, and it's decent, I'll put it up here: http://myspace.com/samcrain , where I currently have a couple things from various CDs(http://cdbaby.com/all/scrain for that stuff). But I like to mix it up on MySpace, vary the material. Had some recent home-studio things up there for a couple weeks.

My regular newspage on my regular 'musician' site(http://www.samcrain.com/ )is for some reason inacessible from my home computer, so this is the place for what were my 'newsentries'. Here I guess they're called blogs. But it's the same stuff, just on a different channel. At least for the time being.

Well, that third beer beckons at this point. Hopefully I won't do anything dangerous, like run out in traffic or propose marriage. Thanks for tuning in here. More as it happens.

My New Guitar

2006-11-14T20:09:00.000-08:00

Well as of tonight I finally have my new guitar. It's a Fender Telecaster(as you can plainly see--didn't have the pic when I wrote this), my first Tele. I've always thought they were cool, not really sure why. Originally I was going to get one from an individual, and they decided to hang on to theirs. That's fine- I think people should hang onto their guitars, and continue playing them. A guitarist I replaced in a band years ago told me his had been sitting in his garage gathering dust since he left the band--a sad state of affairs, but everybody has their own priorities I guess.

Anyway, in the anticipation of buying the guitar, I pretty much had it on the brain and therefore had to have one. So I went down to a local music store and played a Tele they had in stock. Loved the guitar but not the color:a dark, wine-red. Ordered one in "Arctic White", which came in but had problems with the neck(the rosewood strip on the back of the neck was coming loose).

It took over a month for this guitar, what with all the snags from the company, but fortunately they lent me the wine-red Tele to use in all that time. And once this guitar finally came in it was just that much more of a relief.

These things usually work out in the long pull, but still the question remains: Why is everything in life such a fucking hassle? I was thinking earlier today of the line from the movie Roadie(80's I think,starring Meatloaf): "why is my life so much harder'n everybody else's?"

But it's all passed, and I'm enjoying the hell out of my Fender American Standard Telecaster. The Tele is a fairly versatile guitar, great for blues, country, Rhythm & Blues and even jazz. Ted Greene plays one. Joe Pass played one.

And now Sam Crain plays one.

Actually, growing up, I was always more partial to Gibson guitars and Fender basses(spent a lot of time as a bass player, like many guitarists). Strangely enough, found Gibson basses too muddy and Fender guitars too twangy(though I did have a Strat for awhile in there). I may still find too much mud in the Gibson EB-O's and EB-3's, but I've grown to appreciate twang.

So I've been trying out various things on the Tele I used to play: some Hendrix things(particularly Foxy Lady)and a 2-handed thing akin to Van Halen's Eruption. I never was real heavy into the sound of two hands tapping, as it were, but it was and is kind of a cool technique.

Likewise with playing octaves. I love Wes Montgomery's playing, strangely enough except for the octaves thing. His lines were brilliant and his chord solos would just knock you flat on your ass. He was a Mozart, who(unlike Mozart)started playing music relatively late in life--his 20's--but, like Mozart, it was just all there.

But I digress. Which is half the fun of blogging. Enjoying my new guitar. Funny thing, you kinda forget all the hassle in getting there once you've arrived.

Saturday Slump

2006-11-11T10:23:00.000-08:00

Too many beers last night after my gig. I feel like 10 pounds of shit in a 5-pound bag. Not a full-fledged hangover(what Johnny Carson would've described as so bad that you wake up to the sound of your next-door neighbor licking a postage stamp)but still kinda there.

Last night was the third week of a 3-week engagement at the Crowne Plaza Hotel playing solo guitar. Tough job, solo guitar. It involves much more concentration, total concentration in fact. No room for lapses or brain-farts. So I've been exhausted every Friday at 9pm. Beer usually helps that state of affairs, but last night seemed to take longer to unwind--hence more beers.

This is supposed to be guitar day, the day I get a new guitar. Fender American Standard Telecaster. Well, the store I'm getting it from opened at 10 this morning and will hopefully have it between now and when they close today at 5. November 11th was the anticipated delivery date, so I'm hoping this will come to pass today. Hangover or not.

Musical Slurs

2006-08-04T15:33:00.000-07:00

Well it would seem that musicians dissing each other is a time-honored tradition, as these examples(authentic or apocryphal, who knows?)would bear out:

After playing the violin for the cellist Gregor Piatigorsky, Albert Einstein asked, "Did I play well?" "You played relatively well," replied Piatigorsky

The sound of a harpsichord -- two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a thunderstorm."--Sir Thomas Beecham

"I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws."--Charles Baudelaire

"In the first movement alone, I took note of six pregnancies and at least four miscarriages."--Sir Thomas Beecham on Bruckner's Seventh Symphony

"What can you do with it? It's like a lot of yaks jumping about."--Sir Thomas Beecham on Beethoven's Seventh Symphony

"Schoenberg is too melodious for me, too sweet."--Bertolt Brecht

"I would like to hear Elliot Carter's Fourth String Quartet, if only to discover what a cranky prostate does to one's polyphony."--James Sellars

"Exit in case of Brahms."--Philip Hale's proposed inscription over the doors of Boston Symphony Hall

Someone commented to Rudolph Bing, manager of the Metropolitan Opera, that "George Szell is his own worst enemy." "Not while I'm alive, he isn't!" said Bing.

"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it."--Sir Thomas Beecham to a lady cellist.

"We cannot expect you to be with us all the time, but perhaps you could be good enough to keep in touch now and again."--Sir Thomas Beecham to a musician during a rehearsal

"Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed."--Ralph Novak on Yoko On

"Parsifal -- the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock and after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20."--David Randolph

"One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time."--Gioacchino Rossini

"I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music."--Benjamin Britten on Stravinsky's The Rakes's Progress

"Her singing reminds me of a cart coming downhill with the brake on."--Sir Thomas Beecham on an unidentified soprano in Die Walküre

"I hope to hear similar works of more substantial length from this composer", Igor Stravinsky, upon hearing John Cage's "4 minutes 33 seconds".

Musical Humor

2006-07-21T17:32:00.000-07:00

Like many jokes, you hear all kindsa different versions of this one. This is, to my knowledge, THE most complete(i.e. overblown)rendering:

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don'tserve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is outflat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me.I'll just be a second."

Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar andexclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have anice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharptonight, come on in! This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminutionof a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of anywrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary arebassless.The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons,and the soprano in the bathroom, everything has become all too much treble; he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

...and every day is another bite

2006-07-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

"The Music Business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."
Source... Unknown

This has made its way to my email from 2 different musicians(known sources), so I thought I'd share it here. Sorta like the old line, "life is a shit sandwich and every day is another bite". The other part to that is of course, "but the more bread you have the less shit you taste".

Personally I try not to be that damned cynical. But it sure seems to be true sometimes.

Life Cycle of the CD

2006-07-09T17:51:00.000-07:00

I have a new CD(Solo Jazz Guitar). Have as in got the boxes last Friday, in my possession. From all the things that can(and do)go wrong, I've learned not to count my chickens until they're hatched, so the point of completion is really when UPS drops the boxes off on my front porch. At that point we're there. Or here, at any rate..

No matter what you do to try to streamline things, these projects seem to take about as long as a normal maternity: around 9 months. One of my recordings(Oop Bop Sh' Bang)was interrupted by a maternity and thus took even longer to come to fruition. But normally about 9 months. This one was underway(1st recording session)last November and I got the CDs in July, so 8 months--actually under the mark, though with the various snags and delays it felt like a longer period of time.

And like a kid being hatched, the real fun parts are the conception and the arrival. The in-between stuff is generally a pain in the ass.

So, yeah, this(along with the conception - n'yuk, n'yuk)is the fun part. The cover looks good and everything sounds good. Got my 5 initial copies off to CD Baby(from whence I sell my wares), and other copies off to most of the people involved with the production here. Should be officially online around the end of this week, Friday or Saturday, at which point I'll tell the world.

Well, the infinitesimal portion of it I know anyway...

Funny thing about these recordings. So much of yourself goes into making the music, and in selecting which music to use. You try to put together something lots of people will enjoy(and purchase too, let's hope), based on your best judgment. It's such a personal thing. But once it's off and running, it's pretty much out of your hands as far as the fate of your CD- up to the judgment of people who may have nothing to do with you. Or even less than that.

Again like a kid, it starts to take on a life of its own. Hopefully this 'newborn' CD will flourish, healthy and strong out there in the world . Or at least sell a few copies.

My Favorite Musician Joke

2006-07-06T17:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is probably my all-time favorite musician joke. A little crude perhaps(well, okay, a lot crude)but funny:

A man walks into the Village Vanguard one afternoon, finds the club owner (who’s heard everybody) sitting at the bar, and walks right up to him.

"I’m the best fuckin’ piano player you ever heard", he tells the club owner, "and I’m here for a job".

The owner resists the urge to just throw his ass out (or perhaps offer him employment washing dishes), figures ‘what’ve I got to lose’."Okay pal, you’ve got 5 minutes", he tells the guy. "Dazzle me or your ass is outa here".

So the guy sits down at the piano, and for the next 5 minutes out comes the most amazing sounds the owner has ever heard-and he’s heard everybody!! The guy finishes playing and the club owner is just flabbergasted. "My God, what was that?"he asks the man.

"Oh yeah", he answers. "That’s one of mine. It’s called ‘I’ve Got a Boil on my Ass and It’s Oozing Pus’ ".

The club owner shudders, swallows heavily. "Okay, what else you got?"

And the guy starts playing a ballad. Just like the first tune, they’re the most amazing sounds the owner has ever heard. It’s almost painfully beautiful. He’s crying by the time the guy finishes playing. "And what in the world was that?" he asks the man.

"Oh yeah", the man replies. "Another one of mine. It’s called 'I Have Hemorrhoids and Diahrrea and My Underwear is Filled with Blood and Shit'."

And once again the club owner shudders. This guy is hands-down the most incredible pianist he’s ever heard, but at the same time the crudest individual he’s ever met. Definitely a sensitive situation.

"Okay, here’s what", he tells the guy. "I can start you this Friday. But you don’t say a word to nobody, got it? You just come in, play your sets and get off the stand."
So Friday rolls around, the guy is playing his first set, people are digging it immensely-as he really is an incredible player. He gets up at the end of his set, and a lady stops him.
"Excuse me, sir", she says, "but do you know your pants are ripped and your balls are showing?"

"Know it?!" he replies, "I fuckin’ wrote it!"

There's a Point Here Someplace

2006-07-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

One thing caught my eye today. I was looking through an old Musician's Friend catalogue and noticed a replica Jaco Pastorius Fender Jazz bass selling for over three thousand dollars! And what you're paying for is their(Fender's)replication process. This is a "tribute bass": looks like(complete with chipped paint-!!), feels like, and hopefully sounds like. I guess this is the musical instrument equivalent of pre-faded jeans(or pre-torn ones), but it's awfully misguided.

What the person thinks they're buying in this $3000.00+ instrument is some kind of psychic transfusion of Jaco's incredible abilities into their fingertips. They think a pre-beat-to-shit Fender Jazz bass(and for an unconscionably marked-up price)is going to turn them into the next Beethoven of the electric bass.

The banged-up condition of Jaco's bass was actually due to the more self-destructive side of his nature--which, unfortunately ended up being the predominant side in the end. You might as well include a dime bag of heroin as long as you're trying to Be Just Like Jaco here. There are qualities to emulate and others to stay a country mile away from..

Best actually to take that $3000 and spend $500 on a decent instrument(maybe even a beat-up old Jazz Bass other than the 'Jaco model')and the other $2500 on lessons.Actually, without going back to the magazine, I seem to remember their Strats go up several thousand dollars with the right endorser's name on it, though you don't get a special banged-up guitar with peeling paint..

Jaco really was a great player, and also a fine composer. I'd love to read a biography on him, and I'm sure one exists somewhere.As far as that line(also used by Kid Rock), "it ain't braggin' if you can back it up", well that's awful damned arrogant. I generally dislike that kind of attitude, and usually the folks who have it(or let's say, agree to disagree but prefer to coexist on different Continents if possible). But as a musician, yes, definitely happening.

I guess my thing with "attitude" is whether or not it's a victimless crime. There was a guy I knew in music school, a fellow composition major, who was an "expert" in pretty much any field of endeavor you could imagine.

Side story: I heard him spouting off in the cafeteria to someone about his accomplishments, and someone at the next table(who'd been to school with him the previous year somewhere else, and thus had heard his line o' bullshit then)said to the other person(same scene),"the ____ story- it goes on and on and on". At a further point, my friend the comp major is saying, "yeah, I rose to the top of the advertising game..", wherein the two guys at the next table started going into the Tooter the Turtle thing where he's yelling for Mr Wizard: duhhh, HELP! HELP! I was sitting by myself at a third table enjoying all this.

Despite this, I got along with him fine, and even did a joint concert one summer: his tunes and my tunes. Why? Because all his shtuff was never at anyone else's expense.

As long as no one gets hurt in the process, I think most anything goes in life.

Okay, got off the track a bit here(there was a track? really?!). If you're going to imitate Jaco, imitate the playing, not the attitude. And save your $3000.00 for something else...

Weird or Offensive Band Names

2006-07-02T19:53:00.000-07:00

(last edit: 06/28/10)
Half the fun of playing in a band(and especially at the beginner garage band level)is coming up with a name. These are some band names I've dreamt up, inspired originally by some of the names of the(ahem)- alternative bands listed in the Village Voice. All of these names are, to the best of my knowledge, original.

This is something I've added to over the years-and, on occasion, even deleted(sometimes a band name is even too offensive for me!). The asterisk indicates a band I actually played in. I am flattered(I think anyway)that my list of band names is fairly infamous in certain local circles..

Anyway.... I should mention here, "Riff Raff", which you'll see down the page, has been used in at least 2 other instances: one a commentator(somehow the comment is now missing although I didn't delete it)the other a friend whose band(not Riff Raff)I play in occasionally. He even sent me a band pic. "Riff Raff" is indicated with a double-asterisk. Any band someone who reads this has played in will be thusly noted(provided they thusly inform my ass).

I had this stuff listed on another, older site of mine, but the nice thing about having it here is that I can make changes to it- additions as other weird/offensive names occur to me, or deletions as things finally even gross me out(and that takes some doing)! So, happy viewing, and don't forget to check back here, as there may be some changes.

The Secretions
The Thought Police
Pussy Patrol
The Bisexual Plumbers
Nick Lenin’s Bloc Party
Zen Dentistry
Trailer Court Lovechild
The Cumstains
Breast Worship
Prince Valium
Glumphular Gleeblox
Da Nucular Guys
Pus Sandwich
Preppy Pricks
Wired for Discipline
Lemon Slime
Laid-back Lifestyle
Missing Body Parts
Frigid Digits
Bucket o’ Brains
That Darn Cat
Musical Dystrophy*
Frazzle
A Dance of Ugliness
Cyst Boom Bah
Dilemma at Dinner
Uncouth Youth
Riff Raff **
Space Cunt
Trail of Suds
Stoned Family Robinson
Breast Wishes
Humpy Buttslam
Phallus in Wonderland
Remo U-holo
Kinda young kinda wow
World Bean Tribe
High Colonic
4-star Genitals
Callous Sophisticates
Taras Vulva
Shrapnel
Stud Service
The Butt Factory
Liquid Queer
The Android Sisters
The Spineless Yes-men
Mal Jovi
Youth in Asia
Heat and Serve
Hertz Donut
The Flesh Tones
Shittin’ Pretty
Heinous Anus
Spaz Attack
A Pleasant Sandwich
Skin Condition
Scary Larry
The Sniveling Wretches
Beef Injection
The Wastoids
Lesion of Doom
Table Snot
Kill or be Killed
The Sens-o-techs
Salesmen from Mars
Toilet Trouble
The Salty Seamen
Table Manners
Puke a-go-go
Rectal Relief
Wrong Hole!
Peggy’s Yeast Infection
Yankety Sex
Bone-o-phone Choir
Scum Total
Fiber
The Groove Council
Guns n’ Cirrhosis
Sonic Debris
Beige like Me
The Stiffies
Bongo Joe
Anglo Saxes
Fistful of Fun
Fat Chicks n’ Cheese
Mexican Jumping Beings
Nervous Retards
The Impolite Ones
The In-Breeders
Shelf Life
Wacs and Wayne
‘57 Gnash
Auntie Maim
Beevis n’ Butt-Plug
Shoes for Queers
Pasta Swastika
Debbie Trenchmouth
Sticky Residue
Teenage Vagina
Rotting Cheese
The Muensters
Music Membrane
Ill Will and the Bad Intentions
The Butt-fuckin' Brady Bunch
Sebaceous Cyst
The Self-Righeous Brothers
Swimmin' in Sewage
The St Vitus Dance Band
The Bestial Boys
Ass Pollen
Pflegm Kadiddlehopper

Bright Lights Big Titties

2006-07-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

As a musician I've done a bit of travelling, both on a "weekend warrior" basis and as an actual full-timer, all over the country and then some. The following is an account of a place I played at in Las Vegas, which seemed to bring a few memories:

I haven't been back to Las Vegas since I played on the road in 1984-86. Played guitar in a 7-piece band: vocals, trumpet/vocals, trumpet/keyboard, keyboard/trombone, guitar/bass/keyboard, bass/saxophone/vocal, drums. Originally it was a "showband", doing actual floor shows w/ choreography and everything(my sole duck-walk experience), ended up more a variety band, mainly Top 40 but with some other leanings.We played all over Nevada: Las Vegas, Reno, Lake Tahoe, Elko, Wendover, Laughlin(everywhere but Pahrump *)

Somehow just haven't felt any kinda burning desire to return. The thing about Vegas is that everything is a replication of something else. I mean, you've got a duplicate Eiffel Tower, a duplicate New York skyline, probably a dup Taj Mahal for that matter. You've got Elvis imitators(and for that matter, probably Elvis imitator imitators..), Sinatra imitators, impressionists, psychic dog groomers, etc etc...

If I found myself there, I'd probably have a good time, but I'd just as soon see the real Manhattan skyline(and from a million different vantage points)or the real Eiffel Tower, and would rather listen to the real Sinatra or the real Elvis Presley(not a big Elvis fan per se but I do like the real early stuff, with 2 guitars and doghouse bass).

But I did have a fair time all over Nevada in '85 and 86.One memorable place we played was the Palace Station. The lodging was usually right on the premises, being that we played pretty much all Hotels and Casinos, but on this occasion it was the beauteous Airport Inn.

Heading to our rooms, we couldn't help notice a body outline at the foot of the stairs. Definitely made you want to lock your door.I also remember hearing a gal in the lobby of this illustrious place telling someone about her job doing the 900 phone #'s, the phonesex stuff.

Hey, y'know, they don't really look like the ones in the pictures. At least this one didn't.

As far as the gig itself, the Palace Station definitely got the bang for their buck on us. We played six sets a night! That's a lot. First night was 9pm-3am, then we were back the following day to play 12noon-6pm. We were definitely frazzled on that second day.As I remember, our schedule normalized somewhat after that.

We had one loyal fan, who was there I think every single time we played. She was there closing the bar, pretty loaded at 3am our first gig. I sorta noticed her but didn't think much of her getting smashed, having been smashed my share of times and closed my share of bars. When she was back the next day at(or by)noon when we played again, again getting loaded at the bar, I definitely noticed. Yes, this lady has a problem.

She was also out on the dance floor a good deal, with whatever piece of flotsam she could drag out from the bar. If an eligible partner wasn't available from the pool of cirrhosis candidates, she'd just dance by herself. Always wearing the same white dress, which became progressively more off-white. On a couple occasions, she just took a snooze right in the middle of the dance floor. I think there was even a "continence issue" one of those times.Poor thing..

Another attraction during our time at Palace Station, this one of a more positive nature, was a girl who managed an Ice Cream Shop there in the Casino. She was probably in her early-to-mid twenties,average-nicelooking, brown hair & blue eyes, real short(maybe 5'1")& compactly built, with just about the biggest tits I've ever seen, at least on an otherwise petite woman. They jutted impressively out of her t-shirts and were even more impressive in motion.( Our bandleader made the joke that she could probably nurse Angola.)

Having a lifelong weakness for the buxom female(especially if they're also petite) I was a frequent visitor to the Ice Cream Shop--well, okay I was in there on pretty much every break.. Our keyboardist speculated that by the end of our gig there I'd weigh 300 lbs from all the ice cream consumption.

I have in my life enjoyed the company of several buxom women, on and off the road(and a few not-so-buxom ones too, that's fine too), and certainly hope to meet another one or two-but didn't connect with this one. At least not then. You never know.Maybe she's actually reading this blog and thinking, 'you know I really should've given that guy a shot back in '85. I should go to him now.' Yeah, right.

Okay- seedy motel w/ body outline & 900-callgirl, long hours & drunks, ice cream girl with big "cones"- I guess I've covered everything. Sounds like a quintissential visit to Vegas. I visited a friend there a year or so later, and even stopped by the Palace Station ISO the "cone girl" but was told she'd moved out.

* oh yeah, Pahrump. We caught a band from there doing an audition someplace where we were too--I think The Mint in Las Vegas. Their singer(and apparently leader as well)was a pretty good-sized gal about 5'8" or 5'9", big hair, big tits, and what was noteworthy was that the 4 guys who made up her band were all smaller than she was. Just a kind of unusual look.

Murphy's Law

2006-07-02T18:26:00.000-07:00

" Whatever can go wrong will go wrong(in all likelihood)"

This is definitely an important life lesson. I've experienced it as a musician but it would of course to apply to productions of any kind, any time you have to plan events and kinda need 'em to go somewhat your way: Whatever can go wrong will go wrong. Plan on it. It may, perchance, NOT go wrong, but you'll at least be somewhat prepared for whatever doesn't work out.

Case in point: my very first studio-type recording session. Back in 1992 or so, done out at Lincolnland Community College's bandroom. We had about 4 hours to work with, and got started late. Then the bass player told me he had to leave an hour early. And then the drummer realized he'd left his cymbals at home, and headed off to go get them--easily a half-hour's drive. As it turned out, his car stalled about 10 minutes from the school, so one of us(probably me)had to go get him and bring him back to the school, where he just played on the school's funky set- with its funky-ass cymbals...I was pretty perturbed at the time, and remember commenting in the midst of this sea of inconvenience(and probably through clenched teeth), "I am NOT a happy camper!"--and most likely en route to pick up the drummer and drive him back to the school, but we still got it done. And I learned a good lesson: whatever can go wrong will(likely)go wrong.

On another recording session, I had to replace the drummer 2 months into it,because he was being a total testa da cazzo and wouldn't make any of the rehearsals. Drummer no.2, not as technically advanced as drummer no.1 but still a decent player- and much easier to work with, made the rehearsals(and actually contributed quite a bit to the record as far as ideas), but the project had to go back on hiatus because his wife had developed complications with her pregnancy. To further complicate things, she was all the way across the country.

So we had to wait for his son to be born before we could pick things back up. And as I remember, after we finally got in the studio, once again the bass player had to leave an hour earlier than anticipated. Ahh, one more hassle for the road. A nice little cherry on top..

Well once again, it got done despite the many setbacks. We produced a nice CD, and drummer no.2 has a happy, healthy young son-whom he can tell, in a few years, that he was born in the middle of a recording project.

But it happens every time out. Something gets stuck in the carpet. Something gets snagged. Problems, setbacks. Projects like this are themselves like having a kid, in that the real fun parts are the conception and when it's delivered. But you get used to those 'grotty' middle steps.One last example here, this a particular exemplification of Murphy's Law(perhaps a whole Chapter in itself):

In this situation, I was a sideman playing guitar for a singer/songwriter doing his original songs. We rehearsed at his place one night a week for some months. After about 6 weeks he fired the drummer, so we had to start over with a different player. So we get a couple more weeks into it, and he quits his job. The project goes on hiatus while he gets a new job and then goes to train for it.

We resume after a 3-or-4 week break, and get in the studio. 2 days, 13 hours in all. Due to feedback problems with the guitar I have to sit in a weird position and wear some kinda contraption on the guitar, plus he's not there for most of the session due to the constraints of this new job. The supervision of the session was given(in a sort of Yoko fashion)to his girlfriend.

After 13 hours in the studio, he tells me he isn't pleased and wants to do some things over, which I offer to do(not too pleased myself, but still willing).About a week later, I'm told they're not using any of the stuff I recorded for them. So, like that first drummer, I get cut myself.

At least on my projects I still get my playing in there, still land on my feet. With this one I landed on my ass. And with that, thought, for the CD someplace( the CD I'm not going to be on as it turns out), a picture of me, butt facing the camera and holding a bottle of Vaseline with the inscription, "thanks a lot, Sam!"

Well, anyway, that's Murphy's Law in its nastiest manifestation. Usually it's a more benevolent pain in the ass. I'm currently finishing up a recording project, the steps of which actually-miraculously- went smoothly until right near the end, when we hit a minor snag, to do with the CD inserts. A bit frustrating, but having had some damn thing happen every other time I've recorded, I was almost relieved. You get so used to the snags and hassles that if they don't happen, you're kind of waiting for that other shoe to drop. As I said before, I'd expect nothing less. Or in this case, nothing more.

Tales from the Bandstand

2006-07-02T18:12:00.000-07:00

Well most of the time you show up, play, and go home with not much to distinguish it from any other of 6 thousand gigs you've done. Hopefully made some nice music in the process and had a pleasant time with the others on the gig. That's enough to ask for.But every so often you have a doozy, one that is emblazoned in your memory as an Event. Here are a few of mine, a baker's half dozen :

6)This was out at the Airport, in one of the hangars, giving a lot of space of course. It was for some politician, and there were maybe 30 people in attendance. While he was giving his speech, the keyboardist in the band had set his synthesizer to white noise, that kkkkkkkk kinda static, which, blending into the 30 people applauding at various points in the speech, made it sound more like 300. Or 3000. The guy starts really getting into his speech, until he realizes it's us pumping his applause, and then of course gets kinda pissed off. By this time the whole band is limp from laughing.

5)I had a weekend gig at a fairly upscale hotel, up on the top floor overlooking the city(our only big building), a quartet: guitar, keyboard, bass & drums. The keyboard player , for reasons of his own, had apparently had to hock his amplifier--again, for whatever his reasons. In its place he brought a Home Entertainment Center(!) and hooked his keyboard through there. Kind of a weird look on the bandstand, having a TV/stereo system up there next to the instruments. On the breaks we could play Supernintendo, or tune in "The Jeffersons" or something...

4)Another weekend gig, less ritzy location: a Travelodge at the edge of town. Another quartet gig: guitar, bass, drums and female vocalist. Earlier in the week the drummer calls me with quite a tale: "Hey man, I've just had brain surgery this week(it was benign), and I can still make the gig(!)but I'm gonna look really weird!" I tried to talk him out of it but he insisted--so, the show must go on. His head had been shaved of course, and I'm sure there were angry red lines where they'd cut, but this was covered by a towel. Plus his eyes were all black and blue, so he had dark shades on. Even without knowing what was underneath, it was weird enough seeing someone in a relatively dark room wearing shades, and having a towel wrapped around their head! Just for the fun of seeing their reactions, I didn't tell the bass player or singer what was going on with him. They were shocked, to say the least.

3)This time it was me making musical anecdotal history. I once had a home-made bass which had a nice warm sound but very imperfect electronics. It would squawk at the most inopportune times(right, like there's a time to squawk), and was thus nicknamed the "squawk bass". Okay, so I'm playing a Muni Opera show: Hello Dolly, and it's a quiet dramatic scene with no music, so I set the bass down to watch the show. It immediately goes off with a loud "beeeeeeee" sound, at which point I lunge to turn off the amplifier. Once silence is restored to the pit, I look around and see all the other musicians doubled over in what is no doubt a mixture of hilarity and embarrassment. The next day before the show I went up to the actor whose scene I "ruined" and apologized profusely. "Oh hell", he snorted, putting me at ease. "I thought Dolly just had gas!" The actress playing Dolly, as it turned out, was standing right behind him, looking horrified.

2)This one wasn't actually within a band I was in but an event I was playing. The Calgary Stampede was the event, and this was July of '85, in Calgary, Alberta. I remember seeing people literally falling-down drunk leaving one of the places there. The band in question was a Blues Band playing at the same hotel as us. They'd apparently drunk their entire week's pay(yes yes much like the Blues Brothers movie..)and I did get to see them carry their guitarist off the stage as he was too bombed to play..

1)This was an outdoor event, an evening gig with several bands playing. I was about 18 and the bass player in a 4-pc rock band: 2 gtrs, bass & drums. One of the guitarists, who was also the bandleader, was one of those guys(or gals)who's immensely talented and a little bit nuts. His brother was a saxophonist, not sure of the talent but just as nuts if not more so. So we're waiting to go on, and the guy's brother is off 10 feet from us with his arms outstretched looking up at the sky. I'm pretty sure some hallucinogenic materials were ingested here(remember, too, this was 1972). We ask the bandleader what his brother is doing. "Oh, he thinks he's making this whole thing happen".

Well those are a few of my--well, I don't know about favorite, but certainly memorable gigs. Hopefully they're somewhat entertaining to read about. They were pretty entertaining to experience. I probably could've done without the "squawk bass" experience though....